Hope this finds you happy and well. I’ve been going through a lot recently, but I think starting the New Moon, I’ll be turning a new corner.
I was talking today with one of my mom’s closest friend. She’s incredibly wise, kind, caring, and I’m so lucky to have her. She said something to me that really hit home: Stop begging for love.
Brutal Beautiful Truth.
I’ve spent my entire life trying to convince some people to love me (so many of them!).. while I could have just been Appreciating in blissful happiness the Love I was receiving.
I would say I “wasted” too many years trying to be accepted, liked, and loved, but.. trying to ‘fix’ things isn’t a waste, because the pain, the challenges, help you grow and become who you are today. For that, I’m grateful.
That said, I’m done apologizing for being Me. I’m letting go. Unapologetically letting go.
I’ve decided today to tell you about something I’ve been going through for the past few months, though it started in reality 2 years ago.
I decided to share my experience, because if it can Help someone else, then it gives it Purpose.
A few months ago, I discovered a ‘lump’ in my throat.
What you’re thinking or feeling now, imagine this a million times more intense – especially after losing my mother in a time span of 6 months between finding out and the End.
So, yes. I discovered a lump, and the very next day I went to the Doctor’s. I didn’t Wish it away, I didn’t sit there worrying, though I was absolutely petrified. With my hands shaking, I called to see my Doctor.
You know how they say you can see your Entire life pass by in a fraction of a second? It’s true. Between the moment I realized something wasn’t right and going to the Doctors, I lived and died a million times over. I imagined all the possibilities and felt devastated, paralyzed. That night, I couldn’t eat a bite or actually get off the couch.
The next day, I saw the Doctor and she didn’t seem overly concerned. (??) She told me I needed to see a Thyroid Specialist, gave me a blood test sheet, and told me that “whatever” this is.. it’s manageable.
I should have felt Relieved. I didn’t. Why not? Because I was pretty much Reliving the Nightmare I had gone through a year and a half ago with and through my Mom: a Complete lack of Control.
My biggest fear in life is being “Blindsided” and it has made me Hypervigilent. I’ve learnt from early on to be a keen Observer to avoid Pain. So, when I found a lump ‘out-of-nowhere’, it was once again, a Massive down-spiralling shock.
I can talk about it now, because I finally have an appointment set with the Specialist and will finally ‘know’ what’s going on. That said, all things Thyroid (unless you have a very quick growing lump…which I do not, thank God..) are ‘Manageable’ – with Meds or operations and what-nots. I’m not going to Die from this.
It took me 3 months to get this Appointment, because after studying my Blood tests and (lack of?) symptoms, the Doctor felt I was the Lowest Priority. So, I’m going to Trust her. Thrust Life… not to Blindside me again.
Trust is definitely not something I give lightly, if at all. Before Mom, I always thought that I could ‘Solve’ everything. It wasn’t until her illness, but not really that, but my First Ever experience with Bureaucracy (or should I say: BureauCraSSy), that I realized sometimes you really aren’t going to get your way and find a Satisfying Solution, that the Only Solution there is to find is: Acceptance.
Acceptance sounds Passive – like you’re not doing anything, you’ve given up – when really, it’s not the case. Accepting Reality takes Effort, especially when it’s not Reflecting your Wishes. When you realize that what you really want, you will not be able to make happen, it takes Courage – not to admit defeat, but to Accept that Life has different plans for you than you had for yourself.
Mom suffered from Hypothyroidism from the age of 40 onward. I’m 38. It’s a Condition or Susceptibility that is Inherited – which doesn’t always manifest itself, but apparently can – after a Trauma or ongoing Stress. Many things can make the Condition appear. I may or may not have this. It may just be an unfriendly Nodule or a million different things. Who knows. I’m not in Control of ‘what it is’.
What I am in Control of, though, is how I choose to weather this storm. It’s a Challenge to remain (Find my) Calm while at the Heart of Uncertainty, juggling Hope with Fear of Blindsidedness.
It’s during moments like these, that you really see who and what is important to you.
The Fear strips back all that is Superficial and really Exposes what Truly matters. It reminds you that you have no Time to waste on petty arguments, or trying to ‘convince’ people of anything. Those you love and that love you unconditionally are the only people that Matter.
So, whatever happens from here, I See very clearly now ‘why’ *everything* had to happen the way it did.
Pain and Fear are Powerful Teachers. They tell you Your Brutal/Empowering Truths and Liberate you from Everything that is Unnecessary for you to Carry around.
Fear Throws you in the Deep End and if you don’t Let Go of that Baggage, that Luggage you’ve been carrying around for who knows how long, you’re simply going to drown. Let go of it all, and Swim or better yet, Float. You might as well take in the View of the Stars while you’re there, because it’s only really when you’re Flat on your Back that you get to see the ‘entire’ night sky.
I know it doesn’t sound like the Friendliest of books, but it was an eye-opener for me. During the years when I was Single, I never really knew what to look for in a guy as to how to know if he was actually ‘interested’ in getting to know me or not.
I mean from the outside I’m sure it looked obvious, but while in the situation (while I was interested in ‘him’) I didn’t know how to interpret the other person’s actions or inactions.
The interesting part about the book is that it tells you point-blank the obvious. If he doesn’t call back,.. guess what! He’s not that into you. If you invite him over, after going out, for a ‘cup of coffee’, and he turns you down? He’s probably not that into you.
People don’t tend to turn others down when they’re interested. The more interested they are, the more keen they are to Call back, text back.. and guess what.. Call first, text first, and ask you for that ‘cup of coffee’. 😉
So yep. That book was pretty to-the-point (brutal??). I still have it somewhere, in one of my shelves, because it gave me a lasting impression: something I can actually still apply today to my Peer/Family relationships.
If it takes my Friend a week to respond to a “Hi, how are you?” text.. Guess what?? She’s probably not that into me. If she *really* liked me a lot, she would probably reply a quick “Good, you?” or ..”TTYL?? xx”
Same goes for everything else. If someone wants to see you, they’ll see you. If they want to talk to you, they’ll contact you. If they ignore you or just ‘push it back to a later time’ until it becomes almost embarassing – They’re just not that into you.
Don’t get me wrong, there can be ‘exceptions’ to the rule.. where, maybe they’re in a bad place in their life (a moment in time), but generally speaking, you can get a feel of things: if it’s a “One off” or a “General Tendency”.
This also reminds me of something else I heard, years ago, from the Oprah show. Oprah was saying that usually people Tell you the Truth about themselves, and we tend to Not want to Hear it.
She had given an example of some guy who didn’t want Children. He told the girl on their first date. Years later, she was upset that he didn’t want to have Children with her.
She gave lots of examples like that one referring to people saying Truths about themselves also hidden behind laughter/jokes or.. mellowed down by a following ‘but’.
Online Dating Communication: “I rarely go out. I guess I would leave the house,.. if it was on Fire”,..ahahah
The thing about Denial is that it usually happens when “we” like the person a lot and we’re not hearing what we want to hear. It’s like dropping a fresh warm chocolatey donut in the middle of a busy sidewalk with people and dogs. If no one sees it fall, has it really touched the ground??
I mean, sure, pick it up. Dust it off. Eat it. Take your chances. Or.. Accept the fact that it just fell to the ground, chocolate face down, where a dog just walked a moment ago. Please walk away and find another donut?? There’ll always be more Warm Chocolatey Donuts. Maybe not this very second, but there will be. Trust me.
So, yes. When we meet someone (a friend or a new romance) and we really like them.. it’s easy to Justify and overlook words or behaviors that are in disAlignment with what we want and/or need.
I’ve had that myself many times over the years. The most shocking one was when I was sharing my feelings to someone I cared about (or else I wouldn’t have been!!) and the person replied: “I don’t really care, because…”
Nevermind the ‘because’ (which can last for hours to try to tone down the Brutal Truth). From that point on, I let go of my Personal Expectations and Hopes for that particular relationship and moved on to Accepting the Reality: This person was just not that Into me.
So, if you want to know how hot or cold your friendship or relationship is.. Just observe it for a while. How long does it take for someone to ‘reply’ to you. Do they Initiate contact or is it always you? Have they told you ‘Brutal Truths’ that you just don’t want to hear?
We can avoid a lot of Relationship Patterns, a lot of Hurt, by choosing to Listen to what people are Actually telling us with their Words and their Actions.
The good news is that when you Let Go of the People and Things you were trying to Force into the Shape of what you need, you’re actually Liberating that Space for the Piece/Person that will naturally fit. When you meet the right friends, the right guy, it’ll be like Two Connective Puzzle Pieces coming together.