The Shape of Fear

Man feeling freedom on open sea

Good morning, You.

Hope this finds you Happy and Well.

I’ve decided today to tell you about something I’ve been going through for the past few months, though it started in reality 2 years ago.

I decided to share my experience, because if it can Help someone else, then it gives it Purpose.

A few months ago, I discovered a ‘lump’ in my throat.

What you’re thinking or feeling now, imagine this a million times more intense – especially after losing my mother in a time span of 6 months between finding out and the End.

So, yes.  I discovered a lump, and the very next day I went to the Doctor’s.  I didn’t Wish it away, I didn’t sit there worrying, though I was absolutely petrified.  With my hands shaking, I called to see my Doctor.

You know how they say you can see your Entire life pass by in a fraction of a second?  It’s true.  Between the moment I realized something wasn’t right and going to the Doctors, I lived and died a million times over.  I imagined all the possibilities and felt devastated, paralyzed.  That night, I couldn’t eat a bite or actually get off the couch.

The next day, I saw the Doctor and she didn’t seem overly concerned. (??)  She told me I needed to see a Thyroid Specialist, gave me a blood test sheet, and told me that “whatever” this is.. it’s manageable.

I should have felt Relieved.  I didn’t.  Why not?  Because I was pretty much Reliving the Nightmare I had gone through a year and a half ago with and through my Mom:  a Complete lack of Control.

My biggest fear in life is being “Blindsided” and it has made me Hypervigilent.  I’ve learnt from early on to be a keen Observer to avoid Pain.  So, when I found a lump ‘out-of-nowhere’, it was once again, a Massive down-spiralling shock.

I can talk about it now, because I finally have an appointment set with the Specialist and will finally ‘know’ what’s going on.  That said, all things Thyroid (unless you have a very quick growing lump…which I do not, thank God..) are ‘Manageable’ – with Meds or operations and what-nots.  I’m not going to Die from this.

It took me 3 months to get this Appointment, because after studying my Blood tests and (lack of?) symptoms, the Doctor felt I was the Lowest Priority.  So, I’m going to Trust her.  Thrust Life… not to Blindside me again.

Trust is definitely not something I give lightly, if at all.  Before Mom, I always thought that I could ‘Solve’ everything.  It wasn’t until her illness, but not really that, but my First Ever experience with Bureaucracy (or should I say: BureauCraSSy), that I realized sometimes you really aren’t going to get your way and find a Satisfying Solution, that the Only Solution there is to find is: Acceptance.

Acceptance sounds Passive – like you’re not doing anything, you’ve given up – when really, it’s not the case.  Accepting Reality takes Effort, especially when it’s not Reflecting your Wishes.  When you realize that what you really want, you will not be able to make happen, it takes Courage – not to admit defeat, but to Accept that Life has different plans for you than you had for yourself.

Mom suffered from Hypothyroidism from the age of 40 onward.  I’m 38.  It’s a Condition or Susceptibility that is Inherited – which doesn’t always manifest itself, but apparently can – after a Trauma or ongoing Stress.  Many things can make the Condition appear.  I may or may not have this.  It may just be an unfriendly Nodule or a million different things.  Who knows.  I’m not in Control of ‘what it is’.

What I am in Control of, though, is how I choose to weather this storm.  It’s a Challenge to remain (Find my) Calm while at the Heart of Uncertainty, juggling Hope with Fear of Blindsidedness.

It’s during moments like these, that you really see who and what is important to you.

The Fear strips back all that is Superficial and really Exposes what Truly matters.  It reminds you that you have no Time to waste on petty arguments, or trying to ‘convince’ people of anything.  Those you love and that love you unconditionally are the only people that Matter.

So, whatever happens from here, I See very clearly now ‘why’ *everything* had to happen the way it did.

Pain and Fear are Powerful Teachers.  They tell you Your Brutal/Empowering Truths and Liberate you from Everything that is Unnecessary for you to Carry around.

Fear Throws you in the Deep End and if you don’t Let Go of that Baggage, that Luggage you’ve been carrying around for who knows how long, you’re simply going to drown.  Let go of it all, and Swim or better yet, Float.  You might as well take in the View of the Stars while you’re there, because it’s only really when you’re Flat on your Back that you get to see the ‘entire’ night sky.

With all my love,

xxx

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