Hope you’re happy and well. Was thinking of you, so here I am.
I was thinking also about an old book I read years ago called: He’s just not that into you.
I know it doesn’t sound like the Friendliest of books, but it was an eye-opener for me. During the years when I was Single, I never really knew what to look for in a guy as to how to know if he was actually ‘interested’ in getting to know me or not.
I mean from the outside I’m sure it looked obvious, but while in the situation (while I was interested in ‘him’) I didn’t know how to interpret the other person’s actions or inactions.
The interesting part about the book is that it tells you point-blank the obvious. If he doesn’t call back,.. guess what! He’s not that into you. If you invite him over, after going out, for a ‘cup of coffee’, and he turns you down? He’s probably not that into you.
People don’t tend to turn others down when they’re interested. The more interested they are, the more keen they are to Call back, text back.. and guess what.. Call first, text first, and ask you for that ‘cup of coffee’. 😉
So yep. That book was pretty to-the-point (brutal??). I still have it somewhere, in one of my shelves, because it gave me a lasting impression: something I can actually still apply today to my Peer/Family relationships.
If it takes my Friend a week to respond to a “Hi, how are you?” text.. Guess what?? She’s probably not that into me. If she *really* liked me a lot, she would probably reply a quick “Good, you?” or ..”TTYL?? xx”
Same goes for everything else. If someone wants to see you, they’ll see you. If they want to talk to you, they’ll contact you. If they ignore you or just ‘push it back to a later time’ until it becomes almost embarassing – They’re just not that into you.
Don’t get me wrong, there can be ‘exceptions’ to the rule.. where, maybe they’re in a bad place in their life (a moment in time), but generally speaking, you can get a feel of things: if it’s a “One off” or a “General Tendency”.
This also reminds me of something else I heard, years ago, from the Oprah show. Oprah was saying that usually people Tell you the Truth about themselves, and we tend to Not want to Hear it.
She had given an example of some guy who didn’t want Children. He told the girl on their first date. Years later, she was upset that he didn’t want to have Children with her.
She gave lots of examples like that one referring to people saying Truths about themselves also hidden behind laughter/jokes or.. mellowed down by a following ‘but’.
Online Dating Communication: “I rarely go out. I guess I would leave the house,.. if it was on Fire”,..ahahah
The thing about Denial is that it usually happens when “we” like the person a lot and we’re not hearing what we want to hear. It’s like dropping a fresh warm chocolatey donut in the middle of a busy sidewalk with people and dogs. If no one sees it fall, has it really touched the ground??
I mean, sure, pick it up. Dust it off. Eat it. Take your chances. Or.. Accept the fact that it just fell to the ground, chocolate face down, where a dog just walked a moment ago. Please walk away and find another donut?? There’ll always be more Warm Chocolatey Donuts. Maybe not this very second, but there will be. Trust me.
So, yes. When we meet someone (a friend or a new romance) and we really like them.. it’s easy to Justify and overlook words or behaviors that are in disAlignment with what we want and/or need.
I’ve had that myself many times over the years. The most shocking one was when I was sharing my feelings to someone I cared about (or else I wouldn’t have been!!) and the person replied: “I don’t really care, because…”
Nevermind the ‘because’ (which can last for hours to try to tone down the Brutal Truth). From that point on, I let go of my Personal Expectations and Hopes for that particular relationship and moved on to Accepting the Reality: This person was just not that Into me.
So, if you want to know how hot or cold your friendship or relationship is.. Just observe it for a while. How long does it take for someone to ‘reply’ to you. Do they Initiate contact or is it always you? Have they told you ‘Brutal Truths’ that you just don’t want to hear?
We can avoid a lot of Relationship Patterns, a lot of Hurt, by choosing to Listen to what people are Actually telling us with their Words and their Actions.
The good news is that when you Let Go of the People and Things you were trying to Force into the Shape of what you need, you’re actually Liberating that Space for the Piece/Person that will naturally fit. When you meet the right friends, the right guy, it’ll be like Two Connective Puzzle Pieces coming together.