Trust yourself!

Good morning!

It’s Thursday.  *Almost there*.

First thing’s first.  THANK YOU *so* much to the Bestest Friend for the surprise Book that was delivered to my house yesterday!!  It was SO nice!!  Really made my day (my week??).  It was just the most thoughtful gesture!!   Can’t wait to read it.  🙂  xx

This morning started rather roughly too as I burned my hand while pouring boiling water into my coffee plunger.  Luckily, it’s only red and sore.  Could have been far worse!  Let’s hope the rest of the day goes more smoothly.

Later, took the kids to school with Lily.  It was cold, but pretty sunny.  Love it when the Forest is quiet with no one else in it.  It’s so relaxing.  Also great not to have to worry about Lily wanting to play/jump on anyone.  So perfect!

The drawback of living in society is clearly all the people around.  I personally don’t feel like talking in the morning or having to manage the dog (making detours so she won’t annoy anyone) on our walk.  Sometimes, I really wish we lived somewhere in the Country far from everyone else.  Hence why I love the Forest so much!  Even though it’s tiny!

I can almost understand why some people get up Massively early to avoid the crowds.  Seems attractive right now!

The most annoying thing about Society is the fact that most people that come up to me daily usually want something.  They either want a favour or complain.  I rarely have people turn up just to genuinely ask ‘how are you’.  I mean, people will ask, but they don’t actually want you to tell them something other than “Good, you?”.  Though I sometimes do the small talk to be nice, because it’s expected, generally speaking I can’t be bothered most days.

The reason for it?  A large number of the people I’ve met around here so far have been rather disappointing.  I’m sure I’ve told you about the neighbour calling us “stupid immigrants” because I wanted to plant Fennel in my Garden (which some kiwis see as a weed apparently..).. or another one, mocking my accent… or yet another one, calling me a “Stupid-American-Trump-Lover” (I kid you not!) because I asked him very politely twice to remove his dog from mine (his giant pitbull was pinning Lily down and she didn’t like it…).

I’ve had to deal with comments like those more times than I care to mention or remember over the years, hence why I prefer the Hermit life over any other.

Skipping ahead, I’m reminded of something Oprah and Gale talked about in an interview about their friendship once.  Gale was saying how broke she was when she first met Oprah, who at the time made a lot of money already.  Oprah took a handful of cash out of her pocket and offered it to her friend to help her out.  Gale, who was so broke she could barely pay her rent, turned her down while thanking her.  Both Oprah and Gale agreed that if Gale had accepted the money, it would have changed the nature of their friendship and they would probably not be where they are today.

Interesting to think about, right?

In the past, I’ve been surrounded by Takers.  I’m sure my Bestest friend knows exactly whom I’m referring too.  This person was always broke and ‘expected’ me to fork out for them all the time.  It cost me a fortune in Emotions, let alone money, before the friendship ended.  That said, it did teach me many good lessons.

These days, I notice rather quickly the nature or direction a newly formed relationship is taking.  I am absolutely not looking to repeat the past.  While some people are incredibly generous, kind, friendly, others are constantly expecting to be given things or are asking for favours.  It is especially revealing when there is no true relationship behind it to back it up.

That said, I’ve learnt to trust my intuition.  When there’s something not quite right, I don’t need to go investigate what that thing is.  Whether circumstances or people.  If I’m interested in someone, I contact them, email them, message, something.  I open the door to the possibilities.  When I’m not really interested, I politely avoid.  When they don’t let me avoid, I speak up.

Just recently, I’d been thinking about someone who ‘appeared’ friendly enough, but I just didn’t have a good feeling about it.  This person tries very hard to convince others that their life is perfect.  They must have repeated it to me at least three times so far in the short period of time I’ve known them.

That said, it doesn’t take much observation to see how it isn’t really so.  Well,.. Destiny has it that recently, as they thought I was looking away, I saw them give me the most unfriendliest look.  Shocking?  No, amusing, as I had just wished them a Good morning when that look was revealed – justifying every intuition I had previously experienced.

In time, people’s true nature always comes out.  Always.  Being introverted, introspected, quiet with a serious face on, is always misconstrued  as being unfriendly – which really is not the case.  We *select* our friends.  We “choose” who we want to spend time with, because we’re happy and comfortable being on our own.  Solitude is not Loneliness.  We don’t need company, though at times, it can be very much welcomed.

There are people I would love to see more often, miss terribly, or would enjoy to finally meet!  So Many I love unconditionally, most of them being my Childhood/College/Uni friends, past coworkers, some of my extended family…and of course my bestest NZ friend. Many of them would probably be surprised at the depth of my attachment to them.

And so, I advise you, as much as I advise myself, to Trust your intuition, Gut-Feelings, and first impressions.  They are rarely wrong.







Gossip Girl

A happy good morning from Siberia!

Had another interesting journey last night!  This time, I might not go into details, because it’s my least favorite Dream Theme!  The symbolism is basically about my fear of abandonment.  I guess even though I’m secure in my relationship & my meaningful friendships, after losing mom the theme is probably subconsciously on my mind.

Then again, lots of things are on my mind these days, every day, since forever.  Nothing new there.  I’ve always spent (way too much?) time thinking about people, their motivations or what makes them tick,  and Life – especially Life – its meaning, what comes after.  That’s *always* been me.  I think I started asking questions the moment I learnt to talk.

The one thing I love about growing older is how clearer things get: you gain so much perspective and understanding as the experiences add up.

People are just not that creative: whether specific individuals (most people reproduce what they know and very rarely change – unless something drastic happens to them like an Illness, an Accident – something ‘big’), or Archetypal Humans (as a Species).  As you age, it gets easier to recognize behavioural trends.

No one’s behavior is entirely black or white – good or not, we adapt to circumstances, people, and act differently around them, but there are certainly general tendencies within each of us: whether they’re learnt or inherited.

It kind of reminds me of ‘Gossip’.  How ‘Gossip’ could be seen as a General thing people do.. but really depending on who does it, and what the intrinsinc or extrinsinc motivation is found behind it, it will completely change its nature.

Some people like to Gossip for example to be Funny, make others laugh.  Maybe another does it just for the sheer tongue wag entertainment factor.  Or to make themselves sound important, in-the-know, interesting.  That sort of ‘Gossip’ – Gossiper – is mostly harmless in my opinion.  Though it would be better to imagine ourselves as the subject of the Gossip first, and think about how we would feel if we were at its center.

The other kind, on the other hand, is very destructive.  Some Gossip is about inflicting pain.  It’s a form of bullying.  Someone will hear something about someone else, unflattering or the like, and ‘choose’ to perpetuate it by either sharing it with their peers/family or go directly to the person, whom the gossip is about, and tell them about it.

Firstly, Socrates 3 Rules comes to mind: Is it True?  Is it Useful?  Is it Kind?

Well, it’s *never* kind to perpetuate unflattering or hurtful information.  Never.  And therefore, doing so, says a lot about the ‘Gossiper’.

Those Gossipers might attempt to justify themselves by saying things like: “It’s always better to know” or.. “Don’t shoot the Messenger” as though the pain they just inflicted you – because it may have ‘first’ been spoken by someone else – has nothing to do with them.

Absolutely rubbish.  It is their Choice to either let the Negativity dissipate here and now, or perpetuate it.  They take satisfaction in repeating (and usually with some distortion or exaggeration) the message.  They have a Purpose in doing so.  Always, without exception, an Unkindly one at that.

So, yes.  The same action can mean so many things, but not infinitely so.  There are only so many possibilities to meanings behind actions.

Dr Phil says: People do what Serves them.  People that throw mud, never come out of it clean.  It just never brings luck to cause sufferance to others.

Sometimes, the only Success you can have is “Letting Go”.  Letting go of what’s been said, as well as letting go of the Person saying it.

Other times, Being Left is the Best thing that could happen to you.  It’s basically Destiny telling you you’ve learnt what you needed to learn.  You’re done.  So, don’t look back.

Keep moving forward.  Find the Kindness.  Be..the Kindness others are Searching for.  Get out of the Mud.  Cultivate Honey.  Bring Light and Joy to your Life and be the Light for others to Rejoice in.  Stop worrying.  Life is predictable.  Things may suck right now, but guess what?  “This too shall pass”.  Tomorrow is a different day.  Things will be better.  If not, then maybe the next.  Or the one after that.




Exploding Spiders


How are you doing today?  Cold enough for you?  Might as well be living in Antarctica (okay, might be a ‘slight’ exageration to that.. but barely!) lol

Had such weird dreams again last night!  You wouldn’t believe it.

I dreamt of an uncle I haven’t heard from in ‘ages’.  He was sleeping in a bed and I was standing next to it.  Suddenly, a saw a tarantula sized walking wool spider.  As I tried to shoo it away, I looked up at the ceiling onto which was a ‘nest’ of spiders with them crawling around.

I backed into my bedroom with Anna (who appeared out of nowhere) and was helping me block the bottom of the door so they wouldn’t creep in.  I turned around and realized an Entire wall was missing.. and we were in fact standing outdoors.  When I walked out of the room I saw there were hundreds of different sized and different coloured wool spiders crawling towards me.  They were all watching my next move.  Then, I shouted something and lifted my hands to scare them away, but instead fire exploded on to them and destroyed most of them!  And then, I woke up.

Good times!

Every night is like this.. so incredibly insane!  The symbology of this dream is basically that I’ll overcome insurmontable/innumerable difficulties that are draining me.

I guess we’ll be getting our Washing Machine fixed this week?? lol  Yep.

Picture by

Our machine broke yesterday.  So annoying!  Thankfully, I’m no stranger to handwashing things as this is the second time with this machine and incalculable times with the previous one.  Gah!  We need something more reliable,.. like a big Rock.

If you dream of Crocodiles and Spiders, well.. Spoiler alert, you will NOT have a great week.  It really doesn’t matter what you do, Sh*t will happen.  That said, if you get Off the Boat or set the Spiders aflame, you have nothing to worry about and have to trust that things will just work themselves out.

Just wish mom was there to discuss this with.  She’d know Best.

Also, watched ‘The Gift’ (2017) and loved it.  Was so good!

Now, I’m reading The Clairvoyants which is about a woman seeing ghosts.. which is also pretty good so far!

Thank God for Hobbies and Distractions!

Write back later.



Soul Sisters

Dear you,

How are you?  How was your weekend?  Mine was pretty good!  Matt and I ended up Puzzling together over a Ravensburger all weekend.  Was nice.

Today’s been mostly good so far.  Met a weird man in the forest with the kids this morning though, and saw him again as I was returning home.  He was just standing around in the bush doing nothing…and the first time we bumped into him he appeared to be ‘leaving’ it.  So, a little creepy.  Can’t say I care too much anymore with Lily by my side.  Everytime we bump into a dodgy person or someone I’m not a fan of, she becomes very protective.  I wouldn’t want to be on her wrong side!

That said, I had the weirdest dream last night.  I dreamt of mom again, but not an OBE, just a symbolic one.  I dreamt that we were moving in together in a really beautiful new house.  Usually, when I dream of her there’s conflicts from unresolved past issues, but not this time.  It was the very first time that the dream sequence actually went forward.  The house was bright, with lots of light in it, and just very beautiful.  Mom and I were both unpacking our things and putting them all together harmoniously within the space we had.

Oh, and another good news is that my Parent-teacher meetings are actually next week.  So there’s at least that!

I also just finished a book called “Spirit Sisters” which was about Ghosts: ADCs (After Death Communications), Hauntings,.. It was actually really interesting, though I didn’t learn anything new from it.  I’ve had more than my share of strange occurrences in the past.  I don’t mean just in Montreal, because most of my old friends know about those, but in NZ also.  I can’t count how many times I’ve had ghostly encounters anymore.

As an example, this one time I was late at night brushing my teeth in the bathroom with the door ajar.  I bent down to rinse when I saw from the corner of my eye a small girl figure move next to me.  I went to turn around to tell Anna to go back to bed as it was way past her bedtime.  Well, when I looked, there was no one there.  I went to Anna’s room and she was sound asleep.  That said, I had seen a ‘figure’ very clearly, as well as the movement of her going past me from the door to my back.

Another time, I was asleep in bed when I heard small feet making the floorboards crack.  I half opened my eyes and saw ‘Anna’ walking towards me while watching me closely.  I told her to go back to bed, as I was sitting up to walk her back into her room.  I put my glasses on and there was no one there.  The bedroom door was shut.   I got up and walked to Anna’s room where I found her fast asleep.

And another time, I was dozzing off when I felt the mattress go down under someone’s weight.  I thought one of the kids couldn’t sleep and wanted to cuddle between mom and dad.  I put my hand down to pat their heads, but my hand went right through.

On and on and on and on and on.. I could tell you about this.  I don’t know if the small girl (who would probably be around 8 years old dressed in a white nightgown) is the only one around, because for a while.. there was also a ‘woman’.  That one spooked me a bit more, because I would mostly see her walking around outside the windows on the property.  Every time I saw her, I jumped, because it was so unexpected as our front gate is always locked.  That said, thankfully, she never ventured into the house.

Also for a very short while, there was a little boy around – though I would probably say he was around 4 or so.  He was only very shortly here.  He was the one I tried to pat the head of in bed that ‘one’ time.  Though I’m fairly sure he’s also the one I’ve felt the small fingers of on my hair to pat me.. or touching my toes (which always stick out from the blanket).  His ghost made me sad as I could feel he was looking for his mum.

Anyway, I could tell you stories all day (or would you rather I tell them at night? 😉  .. )  I’ve always been a Sensitive to these things and other phenomena, but the interesting part to me now is that my children have inherited it.

The Ghost Girl I told you about?  Anna started seeing her at around 3 years old.  She used to cry and be frightened of the ‘girl’ in her room.  The girl that sat with her toys in a corner of her room or hide in the ‘closet’ when I came in.  It was like this for ‘years’ until Anna grew up and just stopped ‘seeing’ because it frightened her.

Sami also ‘sees’.  He used to talk to me for hours about the Multi coloured spheres that came at night to protect him.  They ‘spoke’ to him, but he said it wasn’t ‘words’ but feelings and pictures in his mind.  He said he was frightened of the ‘black spheres’ or the ‘black shadow’ that would venture into his room sometimes.

Again, in time, he stopped mentioning it, but he’s very much a Sensitive.  He’s a Scorpio rising Sagittarius (with his planets being in water houses).. while Anna is my little Cancer girl rising Libra.  Though Anna is a lot like her father, a bit of a skeptic, she’s very attracted to all things “Mysterious”, because she can’t help “Feel” things.  I’m excited to see what kind of Adults they turn into, but one thing’s for sure.. being a Sensitive makes Sami very Creative and Arty and makes Anna a Dreamer.  She dreams almost as much as I do.

She once told me that my Mum came to see her.. It was wonderful.

All I can do as they grow up is guide them and help them accept their natural gifts, tune into their intuition, and not be afraid of the Unexplained, but embrace it – whether it comes from Observations or from within Themselves through Dreams and Visions.

I miss having someone to talk to about all of this.  Mom used to be my Lighthouse.  I hope to be my Childrens’.  That said, I wish Life would bring me someone to walk This Path with.



Friday, Nope Day.

 What a crazy day.

Usually, I’m all up for Crazy.  A handful of popcorn and I’m entertained.   Today though, I can’t be bothered.  I’m SO glad it’s Friday!

Weekends for me equal “No People”, which is my favourite type of day.  If I could find one, my Welcome Mat would say: Goodbye.

Funny thing, this reminds me of a discussion I had recently with someone who was telling me how great it is to have heaps of people running in and out of the house: Didn’t I think so?!  Uhm.

God, no.  Sounds awful.

Yes, Grumpy cat may or may not be my Patronus.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t count my family as People.  lol  They’re Mine.  My Monkeys, My Circus.  And hey, I like Monkeys! I want THEM around all the time.

The rest of the world is on a case-by-case basis. lol  Mostly though, no.

Regardless of the Crazy, today was pretty constructive and productive!  I got some work done on my Secret Mystery Project.  Actually, got 3 things entirely completed.  Matt and Anna both ‘tried it out’ and helped me perfect it.  So Awesome!

Anyway, thank god it’s Friday.  I need to refill my No-People Reserves as next week will be awful.  Even have Parent-Teacher meetings.

I need to dig a moat.  Could fill it with my garden hose.   But then, I’d also need a draw bridge,.. so Countdown can deliver the food.

Decisions, decisions.





Crocodile Hunting

So knowing what’s coming (because of your dreams) doesn’t mean you get to avoid it.

As expected, it rained Crocodiles.  I mean, Crap.

Do you get sick and tired sometimes of the same old arguments that just go into circles – on and on – for years even?

Yep.  I sure do.  Same Crocodiles, different day.

Short of being a Crocodile Hunter, I don’t see how any of this will ever get resolved.  There are things in our lives that feel entirely hopeless.  I absolutely do not see any ‘Sandy Beaches’.

Maybe I’m just at the point where my Boat is sinking and I’m surrounded by Crocodiles, realizing that I will get absolutely no help.  As usual.  What is there to do?  I don’t know how to ‘jump into the water’ (or maybe I do, and have done it, an hour or so ago??) and will ‘magically’ find myself on the Beach soon??  I’ll let you know.

God, how I envy those of you that are Crocodile Hunters.


Had the weirdest dreams last night!  I had to get up and actually write them down so I wouldn’t forget about them by morning.  I always have a pen and paper pad next to my bed just for this purpose.  I write on it with my eyes closed – which makes for interesting penmanship as well as demanding an entirely new level of ‘interpretation’ to what the heck I was trying to say.  Good times.

So yeah, last night, this was my first dream:

I was on a ‘boat’ (using the term loosely here..) or a sinking piece of cardboard with the sides halfway in the ‘black water’.  As I was standing in it, I realized that I was in danger of the ‘crocodiles’ swimming around me – as there was pretty much nothing standing between us.

Next to me, on a different boat, were Matt and the Kids.  Though their boat was actually floating, it wasn’t a very ‘strong’ boat either, and it was too small to carry me to safety too.  Matt was trying to find a solution, but I could tell that he didn’t have one, and I was not willing to endanger them by ‘trying’ to get on their small boat.

I remember ‘lifting my leg’ and going over the side of my boat to get into the water (yes, with the crocodiles), to attempt to get away, as it was my only real option.

Suddenly, I was on a ‘sandy beach’.  I realized as I looked out to the water that I still wasn’t safe as crocodiles ‘walk on land’.  I turned around and saw Matt and the kids standing there too.  Matt worriedly looking at the water.

I looked back at the sea, and back to them, but the children had ‘metamorphosed’ into beautiful golden labradors.  Suddenly, I realized that behind them were more beautiful dogs standing guard.  For the first time, I felt safe.

I looked back to the water and wondered what would happen if the crocodiles came and fought the dogs.  I didn’t want my dogs hurt.  I hoped it wouldn’t come to that, though I felt that now that I had a pack behind me, the crocodiles would fall back.  Finally.

Crazy much??

Very easy to interpret that dream, but obviously, I won’t go into details online.  All I’ll say are the obvious symbols: Boats (your Soul’s Journey- who you’re travelling with), black water (threats in this case, what is disturbing your Unconscious/Psyche), what lies underneat the water (what you feel is after you/what is disturbing your Peace), Crocodiles (dangerous enemies), Foot up (taking action), sandy beach (peaceful resolution), golden dogs (Protectors).

Isn’t the Mind interesting??  I want to write about a gazillion different things right now and tell you about Jung, and those Universal Archetypes.  I want to talk to you about Sri Aurobindo and Dreams being the Tunnel between your Soul Identity and your Ego Identity.  I want to tell you about my Great-Grandmother teaching my Grandmother, my Grandmother teaching my Mother, who taught Me dream interpretation – which I am now teaching Anna.

I’ve spent my life reading, learning, desciphering all things.. what?  Mystical? Spiritual? Esoterical? I don’t know what you would call it.  The Great mysteries?  Whether or not you believe in that stuff, doesn’t bother me.  I’ve spent the last 22 years studying Astrology and the last 16 years in various Rose-Croix lodges.  All I can tell you is that if your mind isn’t Opened to the Possibilies of Life, you’re missing out.

Second Dream was a mess:

I was standing in an ‘unknown location’.  My female neighbour was there with her friends.  They were about to do a ‘Theater Play’, and there wasn’t a ‘Role’ for me to play.  I told her I didn’t want to participate anyway (which was actually the case).  Relieved, she ‘smiled’ at me.

I left and found myself at ‘University’.  I was ‘climbing stairs’, attempting to make my way among a herd of other people to where I was meant to go.  I decided to call Matt over the ‘phone’ and do a Videocall so he could ‘see’ where I was, and share in what I saw.

I ‘arrived’ at Destination when I found myself sharing a table with a ‘female stranger’.  She had ‘playing cards’ with her.  They were all ‘hearts’ and ‘spades’.  Together, we tried to ‘seperate’ them: making ‘two’ piles.  I wasn’t sure if she was doing it right, so I ‘double-checked’ her work and found spades in the hearts.  I took them all out, one at a time, until the job was done.

Then, I left.  I was making my way in ‘Daylight’ to the next ‘unknown location’.  Only knew that it was time to ‘go’.  I trusted I would get ‘there’, wherever that was.

There you go.  Lots of symbols there which are mostly straightforward, but the most interesting part to me was the girl with the playing cards.  The girl represents the timid/pushover/submissive side of me (as her representation in my dream was very clear that this is what it meant, but I won’t go into details about what she looked like and why I thought that).  The ‘girl’ had problems seperating ‘love’ (hearts) from ‘pain’ (spades).

Not anymore.



It’s Been a While

Dear you, I haven’t felt the need to Blog, write, in ages.  I’m tempted to say “years”.  I guess I’m not entirely myself anymore or the person I “used” to be,.. before everything.  I guess that person is gone.  She left with mom.  She left with the disillusionments that her illness, transition, brought.  I no longer look at my family and friends the same way.

It’s almost been two years since mom left and though the pain has reduced dramatically, the hole in my life is still gaping.  I realize that this absence can never be filled up: You learn to live around it.  You get ‘used’ to it: not being able to call, or email.  The “never again” is the hard part to digest.

It’s difficult.  It’s Purposeful.  It’s Life.  It has meaning.  It was needed,.. for the ‘Next’ thing to come.  For the Lesson that must be learnt.  For the person I must become.  I am becoming.  Pain is a horrible teacher, but it sure does its job.

Whoever wrote “There are many things that can only be seen through eyes that have cried.” was a genius.  It’s strange, but as much as everything that’s happened wasn’t expected, it wasn’t surprising either.

I’m one of those people that believe that before you were born you chose your Path.  You came when the stars were aligned the way they needed to be, revealing a Road map to the Lessons you wanted to learn in this lifetime.

We chose our family, our parents, our peers, for the opportunity they would give us to learn, to grow, to evolve, to resolve, to repay, and payback what we needed to.  What we need to.

I still have a whole lot to learn.  No excuses, no apologies.  I’m looking forward to seeing what the next 40 years have in store for me.  It’s been one heck of an interesting Road trip so far and it’s been amazing to share it with some of you.  Others,..not so much.  Here’s to figuring out the lessons quickly and peacefully.

Write back soon.





“A Spirit glided past my face; the hair of my flesh bristled”

– Bible: Hebrew, Job 4:15